Thinking hard..

I've been thinking about things a lot..look out!

It all started with Sammy Sosa's new found paleness. I was ready to ridicule him but then I thought about it. Pale people use self-tanning creams or tanning beds, curly haired people want straight hair and use flat irons, straight haired people want curly hair and get perms or use curling irons, flat chested women get implants, wrinkly people get botox...it could go on and on.. but you get my drift.

Everyone has a different idea of what would make them more aesthetically pleasing. Some people obsess about it. Some people only half obsess about it. Some people are worried about how they look because they are worried about how others may perceive them. Some people are worried about how they appear to themselves. It's a strange phenomenon, isn't it? The whole exterior business?

Is it really just a means to ignore who we are on the inside? I realize I am rambling but I'll give an example to try and explain my thought process:

This past summer, I was at a friends house for a barbecue and pool party. A pool party entails bathing suits - which is scary for most. I was already in the pool in my tankini (that underneath fluorescent lights seemed to exaggerate my good points and creatively enhance my low points). Then my husband's friend showed up with his wife. The wife (we'll call her Ann for discretionary purposes) was a LARGE woman. An obese woman, to be frank. My first thought was- and yes, I know I'm an asshole , was *there is no way this chic is going to put on a bathing suit and get in the pool.* Then to my suprise - Ann asked where the bathroom was and came out sporting a bikini..no regrets, no apologies..just HERE I AM, BITCHES. Wow. I realized then that my idea of courage and security had been compromised. She got in the pool and we started talking about music, movies, political views and she was the coolest chic, ever. This just brought it home - how shallow I am at times. Completely shallow - when I least expect it.

I guess my point is that if we're totally cool and awesome on the inside - it doesn't matter as much about how we look on the outside.

I'm still going to be a fashion whore. I'm still going to adore the exterior. I love clothes, bags and shoes. It's just who I am. The only difference is that I'm just a bit more aware that I should invest as much time on the inside as I do the outside..

p.s. - this new found insight doesn't mean I'm not gong to make fun of douchebags..

Seriously.

I was driving my kids home from school today and went past a daycare sign that proudly announced the teacher of the month as being "Mrs. Stoner-Lipps". I did a quick double take and actually drove back past it to make sure I had read it correctly. Yep. Mrs. Stoner-Lipps was the teacher of the month for "Adventure Land Daycare". Of course that made me wonder - What exactly is the nature of the adventures that go on at Adventure Land Daycare and how late are they open? I wanted to get a picture of the sign but didn't want to have to explain to my kids why the sign was so funny. I did put a call in to my husband alerting him to check it out on his way home.

In other funny news, did anyone else see that supposedly Alex Rodriquez has murals of himself as a centaur (half horse/half man for the non-mythology peeps) up in his home? I knew there had to be more than a few reasons he was on my "Douchebag of the Week" listing last week. Go Phillies!

Oh and in other sports related, douchebag news - Tom Cable. It's apparently not demeaning enough to be the head coach of the Oakland Raiders - you also must beat the shit out of an assistant coach and a few women to be given full, douchebaggery honors. His statement regarding the alleged, wife abuse was laughable. He claims that he DID hit his ex-wife but only because he found out she had cheated on him. Oh - and he only slapped her - he didn't HIT her. Well, fuck Tom - why didn't you just say so? Everyone agrees that's it's okay to slap your wife around if she is allegedly committing adultery. What a joke.

Well, enough of making fun of other people. Am I the only shallow, reality television watching idiot that has followed "Tool Academy" on MTV? I probably am and I'm ashamed of myself (curse you, dvr). The whole premise revolves around ladies that have "tool" boyfriends and have submitted them to the show to get them past their "tool like" behavior. The one "tool" that graduates the show - wins $100,000. Well, they kicked off one of the remaining three "tools" and my God, did he deserve it. Stew, aptly nicknamed "Hillbilly Tool" - was finally eliminated. He once told his castmates that if he won the $100,000, he would not get a job and move out of his gf's parents house - oh no. He would invest in trailers and I quote - " You can buy a brand new trailer for $5,000 so I could like, buy a bunch of trailers and live off the rent for the rest of my life"..Dare to dream, Stew. Dare to dream. And shame on me for watching, lol.

Top 5 Douchebags of the Week (Explicit Language Warning)

Every now and then I feel the need to compile a "Top 5 Douchebags of the Week" listing. This is one of those moments.

The GRAND PRIZE WINNER of "Top 5 Douchebags of the Week" is:

1) Chad Rogers (from Million Dollar Listing) - I don't mind a well groomed male but he's just ridiculously narcissistic and HIS hairspray usage alone is damaging a good 15% of our ozone layer. It doesn't help that he is obviously someone who got beat up a lot in middle school and for good reason. My 9 year old daughter could take him out and not only would I let her, I'd bring some popcorn and a few cheerleaders. He's so cheesy that he gives Cheez-Whiz a run for it's money and I generally just want to give him a slight shove off a busy, New York curb.

2) Jon Gosselin (formerly of Jon & Kate Plus 8 - now starring in "Watch How I can generally Disgust Every Person in America in Less Than a Year and Be Psychotically Public About It") - Jon has been staying strong in the Top 5 for months now. I'm not sure if it's his complete disregard for the feelings and privacy of his 8 children, his constant (creepy) Christian Audigier apparel, his self prostitution to any tabloid or Z-list event that will have him or if it's is very sparse hair plugs. I'm fairly certain it's all of the above.

3) Sir Alex Ferguson (Manchester United Coach aka Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer) - Sir Alex likes to blame the refs and cry and complain whenever his team loses. I asked my husband for a more detailed description of his douchebaggery. He came up with: "He's just a whiny, bitch"..I'm okay with that description.

4) Jayde Nicole (Some skanky chic that not only dates Brody Jenner but has managed to get into a bar fight with Joe Francis that SHE started) - Yes, folks. Girls can be nominated to the Top 5 Douchebag of the Week award. She's been on the list for some time as well. I think it all started when I found that she had the word "RESPECT" tattooed above her southern, girly bits. Nothing says class like a vajayjay tattoo..

5) Alex Rodriguez ( New York Yankees) - Erm..just pretty much because he plays for the Yankees and helps them win.

I am not 5 years old..

Leave it to me to find a Kindergarten teacher annoying. It's universally known that Kindergarten teachers are the sweetest, most patient people on the planet. I could argue that those qualities are what I find annoying but in fact, it's much more direct.

My son's Kindergarten teacher talks to me as if I'm 5 years old. It's odd and irritating. It's reminiscent of the way one speaks to a really cute, little frou frou dog - the kind that wear bows and sport painted nails. "Oh Peaches, you're such a cute little fluff bag aren't you, yesss you are, yess you are".. You get the drift, right?

It also doesn't help that when I need to meet with her for whatever reason, I am forced to sit in a fricken mini chair. I am not a large woman. I am about 5' 6" and weigh 125 pounds (okay closer to 135 - doughnuts and beer make dieting impossible) but when I have to sit in chairs that are 6 inches off the ground and one butt cheek wide - well, it just makes me feel like Kirstie Alley and I don't like feeling that way. I mean, hey - the schools can afford mini-laptops for each Kindergarten student but can't afford a few adult sized chairs for conferences and such? It's demeaning and odd.

Anyway - all this got me wondering how said Kindergarten teacher interacts with her husband at home. If he doesn't take out the trash does he have to sit on a bean bag in "time out zone" while she patiently talks to him about the virtues of "staying on task"? When he tries to get lucky at night night time does she sweetly tell him to "respect her space and keep his hands to himself'"?

What exactly goes on with Kindergarten teachers after they leave a day filled with 5 year olds and enter the adult realm?

Hmph.